Intern Jack is a friggin' maniac. We ask him to throw together little bits of text and he gives us little bits of genius instead. His latest installment will be the Greatest Guitar Faces of all time. Works well with this list thing we got going, right? See what we did there?
So without further ado... we present to you... Intern Jack aka Javier Starr, master of the Daniel-San style and ladies man extraordinaire.
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Hammer on’s, tapping, pentatonic arpeggios in down c tuning, that thing that Zak Wylde does to make his guitar go WOOOOO. All important. But is it crucial? Hell No! (Ed’s note: Yes) What matters is that sweet sweet Face Spot! So here they are:
The Greatest Faces Ever... in Rock History!
Note:The greatness of these faces were determined by minutes of back breaking “research” and at least one bathroom break. So any inquiry into their validity is just asinine.
ANGUS YOUNG
“Who made who? Me! I made you! Without me you’d still be in some shop in Melbourne waiting to be diddled by some half-wit slag!"
"Oh Mommy this one’s nice. Do you think it plays Men At Work songs well?! OH MOMMY I HOPE SO!”
JAMES HETFIELD
Exit: LIGHT!
Enter: FACE!
BRUCE SPRINGSTEIN
“So Uh…this song’s about a tractor…factor….tractor factor-y!
OH IT’S A TRACTORY FACTORY AND IT’S NOT SO SATISFACTORY!”
B.B. KING
Like most blues legends, B.B. King did in fact make a deal with the devil in order to achieve that perfect blues balance of technical precision and soulful sloppiness.
Unlike most blues musicians he agreed that instead of selling his soul he would suffer from the daily hell of wearing shirts made entirely out of bamboo.
JIMI HENDRIX
“Oh I’m sorry am I playing you too hard?! SHUP UP!”
KEITH RICHARDS
“HEY!...I like you.”
CHUCK BERRY
Long thought to be one of many of Chuck Berry’s signature guitar stances, this is in actuality an unfeeling display of mockery directed towards polio sufferers.
F you Chuck Berry!
EDWARD VAN HALEN
Remember at the end of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY when Dave Bowman finds himself hurtling through space and time at the speed of the color blue? Remember the face he made when he saw the end of the universe before being forcefully evolved into a floating embryo and given the burden of choosing Earth’s destiny by extra-terrestrial life?
BIG DEAL.
Eddie just noticed how hairy men’s arms are.
HERMAN LI
Not only is he letting his mane ride the wind he’s playing a guitar made out of a hardwood floor.
What have you done with your life?
HELLO “RIOT GRRL” KITTIE
THUG. LIFE.
DAVE GROHL
Want to know how rock Dave Grohl is?
When he started this solo he had just shaved.
SLASH
Slash gets a lot of crap for his hair.
Really?
What if I told you it was for your own good?
What if I told you the last person who made direct eye contact with him has spent the last fourteen years of their life recording an album about East Asian Bodies of Representation and braiding their hair?
He also kinda screwed up Axl Rose.
JACK WHITE
We get it.
You’re white... Jesus.
TRENT REZNOR
Leader of Adult Contemporary powerhouse Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor, was used to pain and not being loved. But not anymore. He is all worked out and sexy. So he’s disgusted when he sees anybody with more than 2% body fat. So disgusted that he’s prompted to stop the show and ostracize anyone he thinks is less sexy than him. This photo captures him in the middle of a fifteen minute assault directed towards a twelve year old in an Iron Maiden t-shirt.
TRENT:“MORE LIKE T-SH*T! GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY SHOW AND MY LIFE!”
JIMMY PAGE
There’s nothing to say. Look at him.
He looks like the man.
And then he becomes even cooler in old age.
“Hi, I’m Jimmy Page.
I used to be in heavy rock monster Led Zeppelin.
Now I’m an award winning Asian cellist.
Ha. Isn’t life Grand?”
RAFFI
Known for such children’s classics as: “Hello, it’s Tuesday”
“Rowboat Happy Place”
“Super Sunshine”
“Smile, Mr. Sh*t”
Raffi is the quintessential guy with a face.
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So that was my day. Think you can do better? You're wrong, you’re an idiot.
NEXT UP: Greatest Guitar Asses: From Clapton to Page to Buckethead, who’s got the most intense, soulful, or just plain rockin' nether region.
Gee I wonder who’s at the top of the list... Guy from Spacehog... we're lookin’ at you!
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Intern Jack is a friggin' maniac. We ask him to throw together little bits of text and he gives us 
ANGUS YOUNG 
JAMES HETFIELD 
BRUCE SPRINGSTEIN 
B.B. KING 
JIMI HENDRIX 
KEITH RICHARDS 
CHUCK BERRY 
EDWARD VAN HALEN 
HERMAN LI 
HELLO “RIOT GRRL” KITTIE 
DAVE GROHL 
SLASH 
JACK WHITE 
TRENT REZNOR 
JIMMY PAGE 
“Hi, I’m Jimmy Page.
RAFFI 
